Chrysalis
by Gaelcelt
Summary: Steve/Bucky slash. Songfiction. As Bucky is in SHIELD custody, Steve reflects on whether Bucky will remember, acknowledge, or forgive him, whether he is still Bucky underneath the cocoon of the Winter Soldier. "Chrysalide" by Patrick Fiori, while not necessarily a love song, is so gorgeous and somehow fits the story with its lush melody.


These characters are not mine.

Steve/Bucky slash. Songfiction. As Bucky is in SHIELD custody, Steve reflects on whether Bucky will remember, acknowledge, or forgive him, whether he is still Bucky underneath the cocoon of the Winter Soldier.

"Chrysalide" by Patrick Fiori, while not necessarily a love song, is so gorgeous and somehow fits the story with its lush melody.

Chrysalis

Steve sat in stunned silence. He still could hardly believe that Bucky was alive, and the Winter Soldier, no less. This new century was so frighteningly confusing, now. What else had they not told him?

"Steve?" Natasha squeezed his shoulder. Steve only sighed heavily in return, although he took her hand in acknowledgement.

"I recognize his eyes…! I know who the Winter Soldier is…!"

Natasha watched him quizzically. She had told him about how the Winter Soldier had trained her, but now that he had actually met the man Steve truly seemed shaken.

"We grew up together…! His real name is James Buchanan Barnes…! We all called him "Bucky"… He was my best friend…!" Steve swallowed painfully, his heart in his throat, "He means the world to me…!"

In his shock, Steve had dropped his guard. He had been torn between his usual reflex to brush the matter off, like it wasn't as important as it really was, as all gay men of his time were accustomed. Now that he had seen for himself the progress made since his own day, and that Bruce and Coulson had been lovers for some time and nobody gave them a second glance… Steve couldn't hide it anymore, not when he'd found Bucky alive.

Sam and Bruce had ambled in as Steve began to describe the Winter Soldier's true identity. They were as surprised as Natasha to hear from Cap that the assassin was somebody that he cared about so greatly.

Sam's eyes went wide, "Steve, you're crying…!" None of them had ever seen Cap looking so vulnerable and it scared them.

Suddenly feeling the warm wetness on his face, Steve hurriedly swiped as his cheeks, his lower lip trembling, "I'm sorry, I just…!"

"There's no need to apologize, Captain," Sam reassured, "I heard what you just said. I know about Sergeant Barnes. You have every right to react like this."

The weight on Steve's chest lifted, "I've never told anybody about how much Bucky means to me…! Not even to him…! A part of me died when I saw him fall from the train… and now that I know he's alive…!"

Steve collapsed against Sam as his comrade pulled him close, tears of hope running down his face as Nat and Bruce joined the huddle, reassuring him that he had their full support.

Steve watched Bucky through the cell window. If not for the fact that he was breathing, Steve would have sworn that Bucky was dead. He stared nearly motionless at the floor of his cell, his expression blank. It was almost worse for Steve to see Bucky unresponsive, since he could at least count on a reaction when Bucky was aggressive. The blond swallowed past the knot in his throat, hardly daring to speak, knowing that he would face disappointment when Bucky would only scowl and spit some insults at him, accusing him of failing to save him, that he should have tried to find him after the fall from the train if he was truly that good of a friend.

Steve already blamed himself for Bucky's predicament. How could he have presumed that the fall would have killed him? And there was no way that the Allies would have allowed their missions to be put on hold for the sake of one man lost. Steve fought to remind himself of the fact that there was little that could have been done, although he internally berated himself.  
He remembered those cold winter nights when he and Bucky had cuddled as boys for the sake of warmth, for each other. As they grew up and they continued to cuddle for warmth in the cold, Steve could not bring himself to admit it to anybody, not even himself at first, that he had fallen in love with Bucky. He dismissed his embarrassingly obvious arousal as just another part of adolescence, even though his heart felt like it was in a vice, a vice that tightened every time that Bucky was flirting with a woman.

He'd wanted to tell Bucky about how much he loved him after he's managed to save Bucky and the other men captured by the Germans, but that horrible train battle shattered everything.

Now he had awakened to a world seventy years out of the time that he knew. Bucky, to his astonishment, had also survived. Everything seemed so discordant, but the love that Steve held for Bucky had not changed.

The Winter Soldier had snarled and spat at Captain America, but he secretly found himself struggling. Deep inside a ravaged mind, Bucky Barnes had managed to escape the reach of the memory wipes after every mission.  
_"Steve…?! I can't believe that you're still here…!"_ Bucky's own voice was nearly stifled in this hard shell that restricted him only to the deepest reaches of his own heart, mind, and soul. As long as he made it through each new mission and did as they said, Bucky complied. For his own sanity, he refused to see anything but logic, refused to acknowledge any of the vast field of grey between black and white.

Since he'd seen Steve again, alive and trying to communicate with him, it had filled Bucky with a new energy, new determination to return home, something that the Winter Soldier had begun fighting instantly. Bucky had been buoyed, though, by the fact that Steve was alive and was still fighting for him. He remembered, past all of the efforts to eradicate his memories, the longing that he'd felt for Steve, longing that he'd hidden under a constant stream of women. None of them ever compared to Steve.

The Winter Soldier had scoffed at all of Bucky's secret desires for Steve, scoffed at his efforts to regain himself.  
_"You think that that Yankee would ever want a deviant like you? Besides, even if you want him that much it's your mission to kill him. Screw him before finishing him, if you want, but finish him!"_  
Bucky bristled angrily, _"No-! I don't care if Steve wants me like that or not, I just want to be with him again-! He's my friend-!"_  
_"Friend? If he was your friend, why didn't he try to find you?"_  
This internal struggle continued each day, unseen by Steve, who had sworn that he would only let Bucky see his tears, not the man who occupied his friend's body and mind. But, as subtle as it was, the hardened cocoon had cracked and Bucky slowly but surely began to regain his own mind. He and Steve both knew that nothing would ever be the same, but none of that mattered as long as they could lean on each other.  
_"Steve, please hold on…! Don't give up on me, Babe…!"_ Bucky thought fervently.

Steve sat silently on the balcony of Stark Tower, gazing at the stars, his mind wandering endlessly. Between the battles, finding Bucky, and trying to free him from the grip of the Winter Soldier, he also grappled with how he should tell Bucky about his true feelings for him.

He hoped that Bucky would not be repelled. He knew that he shouldn't address the issue directly, at the risk of jarring Bucky's brittle mental state. As much as it hurt, Steve was willing to put his own feelings aside again for the sake of the man he loved, even if Bucky would not reciprocate his love.

Pepper joined Steve on the balcony. In the last stages of pregnancy, she looked as tired as Steve, "How're you doing, Steve?"

Steve sighed, exhausted, "Everyday, it's just a little bit less of the same. He blames me for failing to try to find him after that fall from the train, for failing to save him from Hydra… I already blame myself for failing him…! I just don't know what more I can do…!"

Pepper took the chair beside Steve and squeezed his hand sympathetically, "I'm so sorry, Steve…! I can't begin to imagine what that's like," she rubbed her belly, feeling the kick under her palm, "All that I know is that Bucky has made progress. Tony's kept me informed about it. We won't know yet if he truly feels like this about you or if that's just the brainwashing talking through him."

"But what if I tell Bucky how I really feel about him and he rejects me…?" Steve's eyes were glassy, "I already worry about whether he will regress back into the Winter Soldier…!"

Pepper began to say something when she noticed a new star in the sky, "Steve, look-! A new star…! It can't be just a coincidence-!"

Glancing in the direction that Pepper pointed, Steve felt some kind of reassurance at the gently glistening light against the dark velvet of the night sky. Was Pepper right? Could it be that Bucky would still be there?

Steve wearily entered the cell, hoping that he was one day closer to fully retrieving Bucky, when the occupant's hoarse voice broke the silence.  
"Steve…!"

The blond snapped to attention. He knew that it was Bucky speaking to him instead of the Winter Soldier.

"Bucky…?! You're back to your old self…?" Steve stammered, hardly daring to move, trying not to let his hopes go too high.

The prisoner's head turned to face his visitor, and Bucky's eyes stared into Steve's.

"Steve… how can you still come to see me? After all that I've done… After all that I've said to you…?"

Steve was at his side in the blink of an eye had Bucky in the biggest embrace that he had ever received.

"I mean everything when I told you that I was with you til the end of the line…!" Steve's voice trembled as months of pain coursed over his cheeks, gasping as Bucky embraced him just as eagerly, "I'm so sorry that I didn't try to find you…! I should never have presumed that you were dead…! Can you ever forgive me…?"

Both of them knelt on the floor, sobbing for joy as they hugged, relieved that none of it was a dream. While they didn't know, they both felt the same discomfort in the gut. Butterflies in the stomach. Dueling with their mutual joy was also their worry about how they would approach the subject of a romantic attraction that neither knew was mutual.

Steve decided to bite the bullet, but before he could think of the right words to use he felt his loins betraying his infatuation with Bucky in an embarrassingly obvious way. He reflexively jumped, blushing even more when Bucky quickly realized why Steve's hips were suddenly two feet away.

"What's all this, Stevie?" Bucky's question was redundant, but he was truly surprised. Had he witnessed actual evidence that his crush on his best friend actually might not be one-sided?

Steve's heart sank and it showed on his face, "Please don't hate me for this, Buck, not after I've tried so hard to get you back, because I love you so much and it hurts so much to know what you've gone through…!" He took a shuddering breath as he kissed Bucky's human hand, "Please tell me that you'll still be there for me…!"

"Steve…!" Bucky's eyes were softer than Steve had ever seen, "I could never hate you…! In fact," he smiled broadly although tears streaked his face again, "You've made me happier than you'll ever know…!"

Steve was speechless. Bucky took the chance that he'd wanted to take since he was fifteen and brushed his lips against Steve's. It was like throwing oil onto smouldering embers; Steve poured every drop of desire, pain, and yearning into a kiss that lasted half a minute.

Breaking the kiss, the new couple collapsed against each other. "I've wanted to do that for over seventy years, Babe…!" Bucky gasped ecstatically, halfway between laughter and a sob.

Steve shivered in delight at the newfound pet name, "I've wanted you since I was fourteen, Soldier…!" he murmured as he stroked Bucky's disheveled hair.

"I worry that Fury will catch us," Steve was apprehensive, "But I want you like crazy…!"

"I don't care what Fury thinks," Bucky reassured his lover, "I want you, too…!"

Any remaining fear that Steve had melted away. They shared a full-body hug as their tongues and lips dueled. Bucky fumbled with the buttons on Steve's shirt while Steve likewise tried to free Bucky from his uniform. The familiar scents that they had not known for the longest time comforted and thrilled them.

Clothes soon littered the floor and both men drank in the sight of each other's naked torsos.

"Steve, as much as I want this, I don't want this to be just a casual fling," Bucky looked apprehensive, "I don't know why I'm worried about this, but I am…!"

Steve's answered by swooping close to kiss the scars that etched Bucky's chest and belly, caressing the ridges of the scars on his back. He suspected that Bucky had endured harsh punishments, but it still jarred him to see the evidence for himself. "I've only ever wanted _you_, Soldier…! I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you, Buck…!" Steve's gasped brokenly, "That I couldn't reach you…! Oh god, Bucky I love you…!"

Bucky cradled Steve's head against his chest, his anxiety melting as quickly as he felt the groin of his uniform tightening.  
Aware of Bucky's arousal, Steve gently peeled Bucky's tights away from his body, revealing underwear that already had a significant amount of precome from Bucky's turgid cock.

Gasping, they hastily removed their boots and Steve had removed Bucky's underwear. The sight of Bucky naked took Steve's breath away. He was so beautiful. Overcome, Steve rested his face against Bucky's belly, reverently kissing the soft, curl-covered mound of his loins, intoxicated by the scent of pure virility. Bucky arched his back, "Oh Steve…! It's my turn…!"

Smiling broadly, Steve allowed Bucky to strip him of the rest of his clothes. Bucky gaped in awe, drinking in Steve's statuesque form, "I'd forgotten how big you'd become…!"

"It's still me, Buck…" Steve crooned, stroking his lover's biceps reassuringly.

"You have this drop-dead body and you could get anybody into bed… why choose me?"

"Because I love you, Soldier…!" Steve closed the gap between them, running his hand through Bucky's raven hair, "I'm not blind to other beauties, but none of them are you…!"

Bucky collapsed against Steve, squeezing each other for dear life as they kissed eagerly, their standing soldiers kissing each other at the same time as they thrust their loins against one another in excitement.

Orgasm overtook them quicker than they anticipated, but neither had ever felt so exilharated before.

Steve cradled Bucky's head against his chest, both of them eager to cuddle after decades apart from each other.  
"What happens now, Steve?" Bucky murmured.  
"I don't know, Buck… I only know that, as long as I have you I don't care what happens."  
Bucky smiled contentedly and kissed Steve's breastbone, feeling the pounding of his heart on his lips, "Will you still hold me when he tries to take over my mind again…?"  
Steve squeezed Bucky as tightly as he could without hurting him, "Of course I will…! I don't care if it leaves me black and blue, I'm not going to lose you again…!"

Bucky nestled closer to Steve's chest as the blond nuzzled the silken hair under his nose, keeping his embrace gentle but firm. Steve was his protector now, not the inverse, and for the first time in ages, Bucky felt safe, at peace.


End file.
